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“That’s the last of them,” Tafel said as she kicked aside a heap of armor. It landed into a gaping portal in the ground, vanishing into the darkness. The portal closed as she dusted off her hands, nodding at the empty hall. All that was left to do was open the door at the end. But there was just one thing that was bothering her…. “Vur. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Absolutely. I’m the definition of okay,” Vur said and gave a toothy smile while raising one hand to perform a thumbs-up. “I am currently the okayest that I have ever been.”
“You seem a little stiff,” Tafel said, her eyes narrowing. “If you weren’t you, I’d’ve thought you’ve been replaced by someone. But no doppelganger’s strong enough to do that.” Her eyes narrowed even further. “Unless….”
“Weren’t we in a hurry?” Alice asked, waving her hand in front of Tafel’s face. “Vur’s always derpy some of the times. How is this any different?”
“He’s not this kind of derpy,” Tafel said, placing her hands on her hips and glaring at Alice. “I’m seriously worried about him.”
“You’re supposed to defend Vur,” Zilphy whispered into Vur’s ear.
“I’m never derpy,” Vur said. “Because I’m a dragon.”
“See? He’s normal,” Alice said, gesturing towards Vur with her shield. “Let’s move on.” Before Tafel could retort, Alice pulled open the door to the next room. A dozen bloody creatures flew out at once, chirping and shrieking. Tafel turned her attention away from Vur and whacked away a bloody bat with her staff before freezing another with ice magic, causing it to fall and shatter like a dropped vase.
“How am I supposed to tank these!?” Alice shouted as she bashed three bats in a row with her kite shield.
Mr. Skelly appeared by her side, swinging a sword that he had liberated from one of the living armors. “It doesn’t seem like their attacking capabilities are very high,” he said as a bat bit him and nibbled on his armor, its teeth unable to puncture the metal. He sliced it in half with his sword and shook off the blood on his arm. As for Vur, for some reason, the bats completely ignored him as he stood as still as a rock against the nearby wall, blending in like a decoration.
It didn’t take very long for the party to wipe out all the bats, leaving bloody puddles and bits of bat everywhere. Tafel cleaned off her face with a piece of ice that she melted while rubbing against her cheeks, using it like a bar of soap. She took a glance at Vur. Part of her suspicions went away when she realized he was completely clean, not a single drop of blood having landed on or in the region around him.
“Hey, guys,” Mr. Skelly said as he peered into the next room. “I think you’re going to be disappointed.”
“What’s wrong?” Tafel asked as she pushed aside the door. She created a ball of flames that she sent towards the center of the room. It was a small one with red, bat droppings on the floor. The walls were lined with shelves, but they were completely empty. There wasn’t even a carpet. Tafel’s brow furrowed as she stepped inside and took a closer look, still finding nothing. “Is this an empty pantry?”
“If it is, this is the most poorly designed house I’ve ever seen,” Alice said, shaking her head as she scanned the room as well. “This is basically a house, isn’t it? There was a foyer, a bathroom, a daycare room, a living room, and now a pantry. But the layout’s absolutely horrendous. You have to pass through a bathroom to get from the foyer to the rest of the house. And they have to walk all the way over here to bring food to the kitchen that we haven’t even found yet? Maybe it’s connected to the other door in the living room.”
Tafel snorted as she left the room. “This is a dungeon, not a house. We’re adventurers, not home invaders. A dungeon like this forms and grows naturally, which is also why the layout isn’t anything like how a home would actually be. And don’t forget it’s underground.”
“First she justifies beating up children, then she justifies home invasions,” Mistle said, the blue ball of light around Vur flashing once. “I’m really surrounded by barbarians…. I want to go home.”
“I’m not justifying home invasions!” Tafel said. She placed her hands on her hips and glared at the floating ball of light. “Why don’t you tell her what I mean, Vur?”
“…I was also under the impression that this was a home invasion,” Vur said. “Are dungeons not the homes of monsters? Are monsters not people too?”
“You tell her, Diamant,” Mistle said. “Teach her her place.”
Sheryl and Zilphy froze as Vur’s face stiffened into a neutral expression. A second later, Mistle stopped bobbing up and down as well, pausing in midair, her light dimming. Tafel crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Vur. “Alright, what’s the deal here?”
“Dia-Deedee … was the one who spoke just now,” Vur said, gesturing towards the brown runes on his arm.
Tafel raised an eyebrow. “In your voice?”
“He’s been practicing,” Vur said. After a pause, he nodded and added, “He’s very diligent, even for an earth elemental. Isn’t that right, …Deedee?”
“Yes, that’s right,” a gruffer voice said but clearly came out of Vur’s lips.
“Oh boy,” Sheryl muttered. If she had hands, she’d have slapped the forehead that she also didn’t have at the moment.
“Where’s Vur?” Tafel asked. “Did he really go off on his own? After I specifically told him not to because that’s how horror stories start? Look at where we are! We’re in a dungeon filled with walking armor and people made of blood! Of all the dungeons to do this in, why this one? Couldn’t he have wandered off in a dungeon that housed puppies or kittens instead!?”
“Hey, Tafel, I think you need to calm down,” Mr. Skelly said. A second later, his skull went flying.
“Mr. Bones,” Sheryl said with a sigh as she hovered over his headless body, “you should never tell a woman to calm down when she’s clearly not calm. There’s just nothing to be gained from it.”
Mr. Skelly groped around for his head and screwed it back onto his head as Tafel stomped down the hall. The fake Vur and Alice exchanged glances with each other. “You’re a horrible ventriloquist,” Alice said.
“I’m a mountain elemental, not a performer.” The fake Vur shook his head. “This was a terrible idea from the start.”