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Yeoman kept his right hand on the wheel. His left elbow was sticking out the window of the driver’s seat, and his face was propped up against his left palm. Traffic always moved slowly, and it was moving even slower than usual. It probably had to do with the fact people were just returning from the aliens’ spaceship. After he had landed with Cody, Gordan dismissed the group, letting everyone gather their thoughts. Not unexpectedly, Yeoman’s first thought was to return home and take a hot shower. He might’ve been cleaned upon leaving the dimension, but the two weeks of struggling in the forest to survive had to be washed off internally too.
There was a muffled shriek, and the car in front came to an abrupt halt. Yeoman stepped on his brake pedal, unfazed. A woman came tumbling out the driver seat of the car ahead, and the approaching vehicle in the left lane had to swerve to avoid hitting her. The woman slammed the car door shut and ran over to Yeoman’s open window. “Help! You have to….” She fell silent, apparently shocked by Yeoman’s appearance.
Yeoman sighed. This was what he got for leaving his car window open. He was enjoying the sounds of the city, listening in on them with his new ears, but who knew it’d bring him trouble? The woman was wearing a suit, and her hair was wavy, reaching her shoulders. She reminded him of his principal in elementary middle school, and the recollection of those times cause Yeoman to scowl. “What is it?”
The woman swallowed. “There’s a spider in my car. You have to help me kill it.”
Yeoman held back his sigh. Wasn’t it just a spider? Did she really have to tumble out of her car like that? It didn’t seem like the unreasonably rude woman was going to take no for an answer, and Yeoman didn’t want to have to call the police to keep her away from him. He opened his car door and stepped out, his car noticeably rising up when he left. He couldn’t help it. After adding on another two layers of muscles, he had gained even more weight.
The woman backed away from Yeoman, causing a car to honk at her while swerving to avoid her. She swallowed and handed Yeoman her keys, pointing at her car. Yeoman went over. For a brief moment, he considered lifting her car and moving it out of the way, but the woman would probably stand in the middle of the road and not let him drive. Yeoman couldn’t help but think the woman didn’t make it to the second stage. If she were this rude to a mercenary or Lucia, she’d have been diced to pieces. Yeoman pressed the unlock button on the key fob, wondering why the woman had to lock the car in the first place. His hand touched the handle, and he froze.
There was a spider on the car’s dashboard. It was a black widow, and the bulbous part of it was about the size of a tennis ball. How the hell did the woman not see it before getting on the road? If it were two weeks ago, Yeoman would’ve been terrified. However, he was a zombie now. He opened the door and grabbed the spider by the bulbous part. The front part curled up and down, its eight legs kicking at the air. Saliva pooled in Yeoman’s mouth. Would it taste like crab once it was cooked? Yeoman shooed those thoughts away. What was he going to do with a bowl-sized black widow? Well, obviously, he had to take a picture of it first. The image of the spider with wings had achieved a sizeable amount of fake internet points. How many points would a giant black widow receive? It’d get a whole lot more.
“W-what are you doing?”
Yeoman raised his head after taking a few pictures. The woman was standing near the trunk of the car, on the opposite side of him. After a brief moment, Yeoman realized he should take a video in case people thought the images were edited. He swiped through the options on his phone and recorded the wriggling spider, holding it near the car’s mirror for people to get a sense of scale. Now that he had sufficient proof, Yeoman had no idea what to do with the spider. Should he let it go? What if it terrorized someone else? Should he kill it? Yeoman had always left the tiny spiders in his house alone; they were very good at eliminating pests.
Yeoman looked at the woman, who had moved even further away. He asked, “Is this your pet?”
“What?”
Yeoman gestured at the spider. One of the legs stabbed the side of his hand, causing a tiny burst of warmth to appear on his skin. Yeoman raised an eyebrow. Were the spider’s fangs sharp enough to pierce through his muscles? He held his forearm out in front of the spider’s head, and the woman screamed. The spider bit down. Yeoman felt two pinpoints of heat on his arm, but that was it. He waited a bit, but there wasn’t any other effect. Zombie blood was thick and barely flowed. Most of the nutrients the body needed were provided by the fungus instead of blood; the spider’s venom couldn’t circulate throughout Yeoman’s body. Even if it could, Yeoman doubted it would do anything.
“Are you crazy!?”
Yeoman stared at the woman. “If this spider isn’t your pet, I’m keeping it.” He ignored her and went back to his car. He had never owned a pet before, but he always heard spiders were easy to take care of. Back then, he was too scared to have a tarantula in his house. However, all his feelings had been blunted by the fungus. Yeoman sat down and rummaged through his car, looking for a container to store the spider in. There wasn’t one, so Yeoman just put the creature down on the passenger seat. It didn’t matter if it ran around. It was so fat; he could grab its bulbous bottom at any time. The spider scuttled underneath the seat, out of Yeoman’s sight. He didn’t mind.
The woman was taking her sweet time getting into her car, so Yeoman opened his phone and uploaded the video of the black widow. He added a title to the post—My First Pet. He didn’t have time to wait for the comments to come in; the woman was already driving away. With the road ahead cleared, Yeoman kept going. It took a while, but he made it home without any other delays. He took his key out of the ignition and leaned over, looking for the spider that he hadn’t named yet. It ran from him, but he grabbed it pretty easily, taking it with him out of the car. “What should I name you?” Yeoman asked, holding the spider in front of his face. Its legs were mere centimeters away from brushing his nose. “I’m not even sure whether you’re a male or female. I’ll call you Red for now.”
The black widow curled its legs up—it seemed to be playing dead. Yeoman ignored it and entered his apartment building. He waited in front of the elevator, but after some consideration, he changed his mind and took the stairs instead. What if someone entered the elevator with him? They’d certainly freak out because of Red. Yeoman’s brow furrowed. There was a clause in his lease about pets, but he was pretty sure they didn’t apply to spiders, only cats and dogs; however, Yeoman wondered if he should let his landlord know about Red seeing as the spider was about the size of a kitten.
Yeoman frowned as he entered his apartment. Since Red could grow this large, it was undeniable that animals were being abducted by aliens as well. The implications were huge. People might not die if they failed a stage, but what if they repeatedly failed the first stage and never optimized their bodies? What if Red continued growing to the size of a car? Those people who hadn’t evolved would just be prey for giant animals. Scientists had estimated insects outnumbered humans two hundred million to one. Fish and birds had populations in the billions. What if a bald eagle or owl became ten feet in size and hunted people? Yeoman had a feeling humans weren’t going to be on top of the food chain for much longer. Were plants experiencing rapid evolution as well? What if rice and potatoes suddenly decided to be poisonous to humans? There’d be a worldwide famine.
Before the aliens started abducting people, there was already a feral hog problem in Texas. People were flying in helicopters and shooting at them with machine guns to cull their population. What if those hogs were able to fly? What if they grew in size and could shrug off bullets? There was an even bigger issue. What if the genes they picked up from the aliens could be passed down to their offspring? Yeoman exhaled and placed Red down. The black widow scuttled off, disappearing underneath a couch.
Yeoman took off his clothes and hopped into the shower. An hour later, he came back out. It took a while for him to dry his feathers since he had never done it before. He went over to his computer and turned it on. He leaned over, ready to brew himself a cup of coffee, but when he opened the bag of unground beans, nausea washed over him. Yeoman closed the bag and set it aside. In A Rational Zombie, coffee was part of the cure. It was poison to him now; well, coffee wasn’t really a necessity anymore since he didn’t feel tired. How did that work? The brain did a lot of important tasks during one’s sleep. If Yeoman never slept, would his memory slowly deteriorate?
Yeoman frowned before opening up his internet browser. Once again, he found his post on the front page of the internet near the top position. The comment section was filled with responses involving flamethrowers and burning the world down. There were also a few people commenting about giant animals they had seen. Yeoman hit the back button, looking through the other posts. People had made posts about the second stage, writing down tips and tricks they had used to survive. Other people were complaining about how difficult the stage was. Yeoman didn’t think his experiences were worth sharing, so he moved on to a different section of the forum where a lot of people got their daily and breaking news.
One of the headlines caught Yeoman’s attention, and a deep furrow appeared on his brow as he clicked on it. There was a video of people in hazmat suits coming out of an unmarked van. They broke into a house, and they came out with a person who had clearly been zombified. Yeoman leaned back in his chair and turned his head, doublechecking to see if he had locked his door properly. Was the government quarantining everyone who had used the zombie gene? If he were placed in a position of power, Yeoman guessed he’d do the same thing. The last thing the world needed was a zombie outbreak amongst rapidly evolving animals and insects. If the government really was subduing the zombies, then people would be coming for him next. The furrow in Yeoman’s brow deepened. If someone came to abduct him, should he go with them peacefully, or should he try to fight back? It seemed a bit silly to fight against the government; he’d be shot full of holes, but at the same time, his ending probably wouldn’t be great if he went with them.
Yeoman rubbed his chin, the furrow on his brow disappearing. As long as he survived for thirty days, he’d enter the next stage. If he could fish up a few more points, he could add on some animal bones to his body. Bears shrugged off small bullets with ease. Elephants were even better at surviving wounds made by pistols—for heaven’s sake, they had guns specifically named after them. Yeoman felt a bit regretful. Instead of getting genus Ursus bite force, he should’ve gotten their bone composition. He sighed. How would the government know who had the zombie gene? If Yeoman stayed inside his apartment without leaving, he should be fine. He had already reduced his hunger levels and infectiousness, but in the end, he still had to isolate himself. Yeoman shook his head. At least he had a pet now. Speaking of which, he had no idea what black widows ate; it was a good thing he had the internet.