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“The leader of the Booger Eater Clan refused to submit!”
“Eh? Even my Running Nose Clan submitted, and Chieftain Booger Eater refuses to?”
A month had passed since Yeoman made the goblin chieftain spread the word to the other clans. For the record, the clan Yeoman had made contact with was called the Long Toenail Clan, and the chieftain was aptly named Chieftain Long Toenail. When the leader of the Stinky Feet Clan refused to submit, Chieftain Long Toenail fought Chieftain Stinky Feet and lost. However, Yeoman stepped in and defeated Chieftain Stinky Feet with ease. With that victory, he ended up replacing both chieftains, and the goblins hailed him as Chieftain Big Wings. Soon after, more goblin tribes came forward, wanting to integrate with the Big Wings Clan.
“Chieftain Big Wings, you have to defeat Chieftain Booger Eater! Make him submit!”
“Chieftain, you have to be careful. Chieftain Booger Eater is already a hobgoblin.”
A hobgoblin? In most games and novels, hobgoblins were evolved forms of goblins. Usually, they were more humanlike and capable of speaking. However, Yeoman wasn’t quite sure they were the same here. As far as he knew, there wasn’t any mention of hobgoblins in the original story. “Which way is the Booger Eater Clan?”
“The chieftain’s going out! We’re going to have more clan members soon!”
“Chieftain Booger Eater is that way. His clan lives underneath the big, big rock.”
“You’re going to subdue another clan?” the receptionist asked. A month had passed, yet Yeoman still didn’t know her name. It wasn’t his fault; he never asked, and she never told. It wasn’t like names were necessary to communicate anyway. “At this rate, you’ll become the goblin king.”
“Goblin king?”
The receptionist nodded. “Once every few decades, one goblin will unite all the clans under his rule. Then, they’ll wage war against everything around them, rapidly expanding their territory. Once the king is killed, the goblins scatter into separate tribes once more.”
Yeoman raised an eyebrow. Even if he did unite all the tribes, he wasn’t planning on waging war or expanding the goblins’ territory. He was going to integrate the goblins with the humans, a peaceful endeavor. “You don’t have to worry about that. As long as I’m here, a goblin king won’t exist.”
“Did you hear that? Chieftain Big Wings wants to be king!”
“King? Let’s prepare for the ceremony!”
“You idiots! Have you memorized the symbols yet? You can prepare once you’ve learned everything from A to three!”
Yeoman wasn’t a neurologist, but he was pretty sure the goblins had deficits in their brains that prevented them from remembering things. A goblin could learn thirty letters a day, and by the next day, they’d have forgotten twenty-nine of them. Thankfully, it still meant they retained one a day. There was a goblin, Small Booger, who had remembered all the uppercase letters of the alphabet. Perhaps, in another month, Small Booger would memorize the lowercase ones. Then, Yeoman could have Small Booger test the goblins in his place, leaving him with more free time.
“Let’s hope that’s the case,” the receptionist said. “I don’t think the king will take too kindly to a goblin king showing up.”
Yeoman nodded. Two kings couldn’t exist in the same country; however, that wasn’t his problem to worry about. He had other issues. “What can you tell me about hobgoblins? The next chieftain is one.”
The receptionist rolled her eyes up and to the left before making eye contact with Yeoman again. “Hobgoblins are a bigger species of goblin. Usually, they’re assigned as targets for C-ranked adventurers. A normal person would easily by crushed by a hobgoblin, but defeating one shouldn’t be an issue for you. You already surpass them in strength, their greatest weapon.”
Yeoman nodded. “I’ll be off then,” he said and jumped into the air. If the receptionist said hobgoblins were nothing to worry about, then he wouldn’t worry about them. The goblins might not have been good at memorizing things, but their ability to describe locations wasn’t too bad. Yeoman flew in a straight line until he found what the goblin referred to as the big, big rock. It was exactly that: a gigantic boulder. There weren’t any signs of goblins living around it, but he did see a burrow within the shadows of the rock. He landed on the ground and frowned. What was this chieftain’s name? It had something to do with booger, but he wasn’t exactly sure. Since that was the case, it’d be easier to use his name. “Chieftain Big Wings has come to conquer!” he shouted. When Chieftain Stinky Feet paid the Long Toenail Clan a visit, those were pretty much its exact words. Yeoman just borrowed them.
Vibrations came from underground. Voices drifted out of the hole, becoming louder and louder as time went on. Yeoman took a few steps back, and a dirt-covered figure crawled out: it was a goblin. “You’re Chieftain Big Wings?” the goblin asked, staring at Yeoman’s wings. “Very big indeed.”
“Move your butt!”
The goblin shuffled over, and more goblins came crawling out of the ground. There were ten of them in total, but Yeoman wasn’t sure which one was the chieftain. They all looked pretty similar, none of them showing the characteristics of a leader. Yeoman furrowed his brow and was about to speak when a few fingers popped out of the hole. They were followed by a forearm that was as thick as a man’s thighs. A gorilla, no, a hobgoblin climbed out of the hole. Yeoman should’ve expected it. Goblins were chimpanzees. Hobgoblins were gorillas. It made sense in a weird, twisted way.
“You’re Chieftain Big Wings?” the hobgoblin asked. It wasn’t particularly large, but compared to the goblins, it was much beefier. “I’m Chieftain Booger Eater. You came to conquer?”
Yeoman nodded. “Submit to me.”
Chieftain Booger Eater snorted. Without warning, the hobgoblin charged Yeoman. It was a comical sight, seeing a gorilla run on two legs, but Yeoman was sure he’d be terrified if he were still a human. The hobgoblin leaped at Yeoman with both its arms raised high in the air. It swung them down, aiming its fists at Yeoman’s head. Yeoman’s body reacted before he could think about it. He took a step forward and raised his left arm, performing a high block that he had repeatedly drilled with his katas. The hobgoblin’s fists collided with Yeoman’s forearm. The block stopped the goblin’s fists, but its lower body kept traveling forward. The hobgoblin kicked its legs at Yeoman’s chest, but Yeoman’s arms were longer than its legs. His right hand traveled forward, punching towards the hobgoblin’s crotch. It was a shame the hobgoblin didn’t have wings; if it did, perhaps it could’ve readjusted itself while in the air. Instead, all it could do was close its legs in an attempt to protect its vital spot. Yeoman’s fist collided against the hobgoblin’s legs, and there was a cracking sound followed by a screech. The hobgoblin fell to the ground, clutching its legs with its massive hands.
Yeoman furrowed his brow. He hadn’t meant to break the chieftain’s legs; his control over his strength was still imperfect. “Are you alright?”
“Submit. I submit to Chieftain Big Wings.” The hobgoblin spat on its palms and rubbed its saliva up and down its shins. Yeoman didn’t think saliva was enough to fix a broken leg, but evidently, the hobgoblin disagreed. It stood back up, leaning forward, resting most of its weight on its hands. “Does Chieftain Big Wings want to conquer more? I know many camps.”
Since Yeoman was already there, it made sense to unite all the goblins within the area. Rather than sending out a few goblins as messengers, waiting for a message, then reacting, why didn’t he just go to the remaining chieftains in person? Yes, the goblins needed someone to test them to make sure they were on the right track, but half a day’s break wouldn’t hurt. Even if the goblins memorized something incorrectly, they’d forget it by the next day anyway. Yeoman nodded. “Take me to them.”
Unlike the vast number of goblin camps, there were only four hobgoblin camps. Yeoman met resistance at each one, but after defeating four chieftains, the remaining hobgoblins submitted to him. They fought in the exact same manner as Chieftain Booger Eater: charging, leaping, smashing. It wasn’t a wonder why normal humans would be defeated by them. They didn’t even have to attack. They weighed upwards of four hundred pounds; if they sat on an unoptimized human, there was nothing that person could do to resist. The camps had twenty hobgoblins each, a surprisingly low number. Yeoman couldn’t help but wonder if they were an endangered species.
“There’s no more camps?” Yeoman asked, looking at the five chieftains. Booger Eater was the smallest of them all, looking much like a regular member of one of the other four’s clans. Perhaps that was why Booger Eater only had regular goblins as followers. There were also regular goblins following the four chieftains, each one leading a hundred or more.
“There’s still a camp,” one of the chieftains said. It was the most injured one of them all. Yeoman practiced controlling his strength as he fought the hobgoblins, and by the time he got to the last chieftain, he was a bit better at not breaking bones. However, since none of the last chieftain’s bones broke during its fight against Yeoman, it kept getting up over and over until its body was a bloody mess. In the end, Yeoman still accidentally broke three of its ribs. “The Bright Eye Clan. Shaman Bright Eye is very cruel, very evil, very powerful. She is strong, but we won’t join her. She demands sacrifice every day.”
A shaman. A chimpanzee that could use magic? Perhaps it was an orangutan. “There’s only one shaman?”
The hobgoblin chieftain bobbed its head up and down. “Shamans are very rare, almost as rare as a goblin king.”
Yeoman frowned. “Let’s go back to my clan for now,” he said. The hobgoblins seemed scared of the goblin shaman. Yeoman had no idea what kind of magic it could cast, and one wrong move could cost him his life. Since that was the case, the best thing to do was return to the receptionist and ask for her advice. As a worker at the adventurers’ guild, she knew a lot of knowledge pertaining to monsters. If anyone knew how to deal with a goblin shaman, it would be her.
Traveling to the four camps had taken most of the day since the hobgoblins insisted on coming with him to witness his conquest. By the time Yeoman got back to the camp, it was already in the dead of night. However, quite a few goblins were still awake and shouted upon seeing the group following Yeoman.
“Invasion!”
“Everybody, hide!”
“Wait. It’s Chieftain Big Wings!”
Yeoman clapped his hands, his usual method of attracting the goblins’ attentions. “I’ve conquered a few more clans,” he said, eliciting a round of cheers. He pointed at a nearby goblin. “Explain to them”—he gestured behind himself—“what we’re doing. Tell them about our deal with the humans. I’ll go back to explaining the alphabet.”
Before Yeoman had come, the goblins hadn’t harnessed the power of fire. He was a bit surprised at that fact. At night, the goblins would hide in their shelters, huddling with one another for warmth, praying they wouldn’t be seen by predators. After Yeoman came and lit them a bonfire, the goblins hid in their shelters at night, praying the predators wouldn’t be attracted to the fire. It took most of the month for the goblins to get used to the presence of fire—some goblins hadn’t adapted yet since they arrived later than the rest. The hobgoblins were especially interested in the fire, not paying attention to the goblin Yeoman had assigned to guide them.
“I did it! Chieftain Big Wings, I memorized the whole thing!” A scrawny goblin, Small Booger, ran up to Yeoman. “Look, Chieftain! Did you know? Look at the letter C. The one next to it, it’s just a smaller C! That’s why it’s also C! With this, we only have to memorize half of them!”
Yeoman’s lips contorted into a stiff smile. The smartest goblin there, Small Booger, had only just realized the similarity between the uppercase letters and lowercase letters? “Good job,” Yeoman said, barely getting the words out of his mouth.
“I also figured out something else!”
Yeoman stared at the excited goblin.
“The chant you taught us, the one that goes A-B-C-D, it’s very, very similar to the alphabet! If you skip every other symbol on the rock, the chant matches up perfectly with the letters.” Small Booger stuck its chest out. “This whole time, we thought you were teaching us a magical chant to become smarter. You said it would help us remember the names of the letters, but I figured it out. You turned the letters of the alphabet into a magical chant!”
For some reason, Yeoman felt like he failed. Was there some kind of miscommunication going on with the translation power he had received from the aliens? He had spoken very clearly about the alphabet and its song. The goblins confirmed they understood exactly what he was saying, but it turns out they hadn’t understood him at all. Perhaps it was the way the goblins were wired. They weren’t good at connecting bits of information together into a logical chain. Yeoman knew humans were wired for pattern recognition. Were the goblins missing that? He had made too many assumptions about them, thinking the goblins would understand logical connections, but clearly, that wasn’t the case.
“Hot! Hot!”
Yeoman turned his head. One of the hobgoblins had stuck its hand in the fire. …And hadn’t taken it out. Yeoman wasn’t sure if he should interfere with the learning process or not. Some children had to touch the stove to learn it was hot rather than taking it for granted after being told. It took several seconds, but the hobgoblin figured it out and removed its hand. A second later, the hobgoblin was shoved out of the way by one of the chieftains—who promptly put its hand into the fire.
“Hot! Hot!”
“How hot?”
Yeoman was dumbfounded. Even the goblins hadn’t done something like this. Once the first goblin was burned by the fire, the rest of them stayed far away. These hobgoblins were taking turns, sticking their hands into the fire while shouting in pain.
“What is going on?” a feminine voice asked.
Yeoman blinked, taking his attention off the line of hobgoblins. The receptionist was walking towards him with a dark expression. There were bags underneath her eyes, and her hair was a tangled mess. Evidently, she hadn’t been sleeping well this past month. Yeoman shrugged. “I conquered some hobgoblin clans, and they just discovered the fire.”
The receptionist nodded. “Clearly,” she said. “I thought there was some sort of celebration going on since I smelled grilled meat. Before I was a receptionist, I used to be an adventurer. Among some circles of adventurers, hobgoblin meat is considered a delicacy.”
Some circles? What kind of circles had this receptionist belonged to? Yeoman was curious but not curious enough to ask. There were other things he had to worry about. “There’s another clan of goblins, presumably the last one in the area, but it’s led by a goblin shaman. Instead of blindly confronting it, I wanted to know if you knew anything about shamans.”
“Goblin shaman, eh?” The receptionist looked up and to the left. “Once every few decades, a goblin capable of manipulating mana appears, taking on the role of shaman. It’s unknown how they discover their spells, but they’re always in the same vein of magic. They specialize in bodily magic, spells that decrease their enemies’ strengths whilst increasing their allies’. In the records, it’s usually after the appearance of a goblin shaman that a goblin king emerges. If you want to keep your word about there being no goblin king, you’ll have to get rid of this shaman. Goblin shamans are B-ranked monsters; it’ll be tough to kill it by yourself. However, if you get a party together to defeat it, I don’t think the remaining goblins in the clan will submit to you.”
Yeoman had no intention of killing the goblin shaman. He was trying to save the goblins from the humans; it’d be counterintuitive to kill the goblins in the name of saving them. “Weakening spells, is that all they have?”
“Don’t underestimate bodily magic,” the receptionist said, narrowing her eyes at Yeoman. “Other than spells that sap your strength, there’s also dazing spells, hypnosis, and the most powerful one, forced sleep. Imagine taking a nap in the middle of a fight. It’s a death sentence.”
Once again, Yeoman couldn’t help but feel his zombie fungus gene was just a bit too useful with too few drawbacks. He had a resting state where he was still alert, but it was impossible for him to fall asleep. After thinking about it for a bit, he felt the drawback was actually pretty severe. Humanity wanted to kill him to prevent a zombie apocalypse. He might pass these alien stages easily thanks to the zombie gene, but at what cost? Yeoman nodded. “Thanks. I’ll pay a visit to the goblin shaman tomorrow. Once it’s done, I think we’ll have finished uniting the goblins. There isn’t as many as I thought there’d be.”
“You say that now,” the receptionist said and shook her head. “I can tell you’re not from around these parts. In two months, the number of goblins within this camp right here, it’s going to double. In another two months, it’ll double again. A week before we started this whole goblin-teaching endeavor, the biannual forest raid occurred, killing off a large population of the goblin community. Why do you think the king agreed to your suggestion? He wants the goblins’ war potential, a practically unlimited number of troops to throw at the enemy.”
Yeoman furrowed his brow. This hadn’t been mentioned amongst the reasons for conflicts when he had been discussing with the guild master. If goblins could breed that frequently, perhaps integrating them with human society wasn’t the best idea. It also brought up some other questions. “Before the humans arrived, what kept the goblin population in check?”
“Elves. Wyverns. Bears. Rocs.” The receptionist shrugged. “There’s plenty of predators that eat goblins, but their populations have been dropping as well ever since humans arrived here, thank the lord for that.”
Wyverns, bears, and rocs. Yeoman drummed his fingers against his thigh. What if this current stage worked similarly to the last stage? What if these wyverns and bears had gene portions inside of them? If Yeoman had time after this whole goblin thing was done, he’d have to do some investigation.